Micah and I were just reminiscing about the moments after Nico was born. He said it looked like someone hit me in the crotch with a sword. hahahaha!

On the up and friggin up

I will write on this more now. I used to be the first to roll my eyes when ladies with sunglasses used as headbands (sorry sister Jenny, you really do pull it off!) would say they hardly have time to take a shower. Now I work hard to judge no woman. Taking a shower is a delicate endeavor.

The first few weeks of parenthood were precious and hard and fun and funny and hard. There was no sleep, very little time out of the apartment and lots of learning. I am grateful that I am feeling more like myself again and have (I think) left that foggy place.

I had a really incredible birth experience, and I think that the feeling of accomplishment was super helpful when the shit got real in those very early days. I wanted little to no intervention and wanted to enjoy the process. All of that happened, which was awesome. I am trying to write the whole thing out. I think it will be too long of a read. It took a really long time to get that kid out.

That's all. Enjoy your normal sleep life and showers. And enjoy the out-of-this-world adorableness of my child:

Bye!

I never realized how much Nancy Sinatra sucks

She looks like someone's tipsy mom dancing at a wedding.

Big Questions

My baby won't go to sleep

Did you know..."Indian Style" refers to people from India and not Native Americans? Maybe you already knew that. Did you know that I dropped out of college?

Reasonable things to cry about in the days following giving birth

As a child, I was very, very sentimental and very much a big cry-baby. This is a great way to spend your childhood, especially if the mother assigned to you is maybe a touch insensitive, and thinks the unreasonable tears of a small child are HILARIOUS. I cried when Christmas was over, when mylar balloons deflated and when cut flowers died. Then I grew up and got jaded and medicated and decided to only cry watching Pixar movies. Then, two-and-a-half weeks ago I had baby, and poof-a-rino! I'm five years old and bawling like g.d. idiot in the car after seeing E.T.

In my defense, my labor and delivery experience was very, very long and very, very dramatic and totally awesome and has colored all this "new mom" business and makes me sob anytime I remember any small detail about those two days. Also, my baby is the most beautiful and the most sweet and precious and patient person ever. She's worth crying like a dummy over.

Here are some other reasonable things I've cried over:

1. When we were leaving the hospital, we were double checking that we had all our stuff. My water bottle was on the side table and Micah said "Uh oh! Don't forget your water bottle!" I told him that I thought I would leave it there as a symbolic gesture. I explained, voice quivering, that I'd had that water bottle, purchased at a CVS in the Port Richmond neighborhood of Philadelphia for $2.99, throughout my pregnancy. Now that my pregnancy has ended, I explained, I shall leave behind that water bottle--the water bottle that hydrated me and my then unborn child during the long and hot summer months. I would abandon that Rubbermaid brand water bottle in the building where my pregnancy came to a happy end. Adieu, water bottle with the blue cap! I will never forget your kindness! Your generosity! The way you never leaked in my purse! Micah laughed at me and grabbed the water bottle. I'm glad I still have it.

2. I was emptying the bathroom trash several days after being home from the hospital and starting crying at its contents. You see, the layers of trash were a timeline of the week that changed my life: The bottom layer of the garbage's contents were from a time before I knew that my beautiful daughter would have my dark hair, her father's face, the most lovely long fingers! There was the empty package of soap I unwrapped before I knew I would give birth in less than a week's time! The mascara that I discarded when I realized that I may have bought it when I still lived in Los Angeles! Then, the disposable underwear they give you at the hospital; the empty can of Dermoplast; used ice packs--there it all was. Nothing but a few snotty tissues serving as border between my life as an uncomfortable pregnant woman, and the mother of the most extraordinary human beeeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnngggggggg! Oh! If only my bathroom trash could speak! What would it say (besides, um, you should empty your trash more often)?

3. I could barely listen to any music when we first got home. Just like your first break-up with a boy, any song can be completely applicable to your life at that moment. I liked to listen to this song and cry, cry, cry while holding my tiny baby:



So, I guess I am no longer as dead inside as I thought. Amazing people that inexplicably fall out of your body and stare like they know you will do that to a gal, I guess.

She's heeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrreeeee!

Nico Mae Patricia McGraw
born 9/17/11 at 3:43p.m.
8 lbs.
20 inches

Named for Great Aunt Dathel Mae, Aunt Nora Mae and Aunt Patty. Nico is very lucky to carry a bit of these women with her. I feel lucky to have carried Nico and am so glad she's here. We are really blessed.

Everyone in this apartment needs to RELAXXXXXXX!

Last night, my friend Mike B. described The Dave Matthews Band as "A saxophone full of mayonnaise." I woke up in the middle of the night laughing about this. Then I couldn't go back to sleep. Thanks a lot Mike!

Decision Zone

I'm still pregnant, so I've decided that this week I need a plan to keep busy. That's the only decision I have settled. Ideas for this week:

A) 12:00 Mass:

I could go downtown daily at noon and attend Mass at my church. The only thing is that I have only been once to this service. I was really nervous about when to stand and stuff and kept messing up. When I went before, it was just me and a construction worker. Maybe a bravery test is a good distraction.

B) Walk to the hardware store and buy spray paint:

Micah made a beautiful cradle for the baby. He painted the base gray, per my suggestion, but I don't like it and think it should be white. I could go buy the white spray paint.

C) Make up my mind about my Wednesday evening plans:

I go to prenatal yoga on Wednesday nights and I really love it. I feel great after--it's the best thing for my brain and mid-week body. Here's the rub: Ministry of Secret Jokes, a great monthly comedy show is Wednesday and Juliet Hope Wayne is performing. I first heard her on The Moth podcast and love, love, love her storytelling. So, should I do yoga? Or should I laugh hard and see friends? Go to my (probably? hopefully?) last prenatal yoga class? Or my last comedy show for a while? It's bothering me.

These are the decisions I am facing. Tough stuff.

Food Journal

Since I'm about to give birth, I thought it would be a great idea to keep a food journal to keep me accountable in maintaining a healthy diet in order to prepare for the big task ahead of me! I'll start with my dinner last night:

I started things off with rice and these tuna things from TJ's:

These are great for a quick meal, especially if your life partner has lost his freaking mind and decided at the last hour to build a cradle for your baby and said he would have it done in a week and is not finished yet. The tuna is fortified with nutrients that make it possible for a mother-to-be to understand that people cope with the unknown in different ways--like putting on old episodes of Love Line while building large pieces of furniture.

After 2 servings of the tuna, I was still hungry and sent Micah to the Fuh Wah to get me a cheese hoagie:

I thought "I will eat half of this and save the other half for lunch." 5-7 minutes later, I looked down and the hoagie was gone! HAHAHA! Just call me Heathcliff Huxtable!!!

Well, after my hoagie, there was still a rumbly in my tumbly, so I capped things off with some candy:

Even though I wasn't quite full, I decided not to ask Micah to go out again to get some popcorn. It was raining pretty hard. I think I'm on the right track with my pre-labor diet! These particular courses, in this order, work like a charm in getting nice and lethargic for when Micah asks you questions like "Shouldn't we pack you a bag for the hospital?" Once your belly is full of spicy tuna; bread; chocolate; and a baby that probably weighs about 25 pounds, you can reply with ease: "Uhhh, I've got a lot going on in my head right now and your frantic energy is bumming me out." Getting ready to give birth is kind of like training for a marathon, nay, a TRIATHLON! Good thing I've got a palate for athlete food!!!!

More toilet humor at my sister's expense

I asked my sister how she was feeling today and she said, "I thought my water broke, but I think I just peed my pants a little bit."

Update on my sister's attempt to induce labor by giving herself diarrhea:

I need to first point out that she asked me to not blog about her. I told her that I was going to anyway, so don't worry, it's all on the level.

Anyway, my sister wants to have her baby immediately and decided that she would try giving herself diarrhea. Her logic is that her irritated GI tract would communicate with her uterus and labor would begin. Here's how I imagine that conversation would play out:

GI TRACT: Hey! Hey you!

UTERUS: I'm busy, go away.

GI TRACT: I've got something to say!

UTERUS: Yikes, you smell bad.

GI TRACT: Oh, yeah? Yeah? What are you gonna do about it?

UTERUS: Um, nothing really. I just have a lot going on right now and am a little indifferent towards you. You should get that checked out though.

GI TRACT: Thanks for nothing!!!

SCENE

So, basically, my sister put cream in her coffee and had to get up with hot shits in the middle of the night. I think we can all agree on one thing: MY SISTER IS AN IDIOT!!!!!!!!!

Allllmosssttt duunnnnn

I am finally feeling done with this business. Smug Emily is a goner. I can't breeeeeatheeee! My sister says she's going to eat nothing but dairy from now on to induce diarrhea, and, in turn, labor. She literally wants to poop her baby out.

I got a pedicure the other day and the lady asked if I would like her to wax my feet. Waaaaaaaaaah! My people, they are a very hairy people. I can't see my feet very well! I asked Micah to look at my feet that morning and he said they were fine. He must love me more than I assumed he did.

Celebrity Sighting!

I was walking around downtown today looking at clothes that won't fit me. I was crossing the street and a couple holding hands was walking the opposite way, passing me. I could feel them staring at my body. Walking around the city, it seems people can't help but stare at my stomach. Kind of like if you see a midget or a tranny who needs to try harder to pull off their look--you can't help but take it in for a second. Get pregnant sometime and you will see what I mean. Anyway, I am past the cute stage of pregnancy, and am on to the gross one where my stomach sticks straight out and I walk like an idiot.

Back to crossing the street: I tried to meet the gaze of the couple looking at my body so that I could confront them with my eyes, and when I did I realized that is was JUSTIN BIEBER AND SELENA GOMEZ! I gasped and they smiled at me. I think they liked being recognized. They are very tiny people. Selena Gomez walked with THE most irritating spring in her step.

My sister said I should have asked to take a picture with them. I was too confused! The only other celeb I've seen in Philly was Danny Bonaduce. He was on a motorcycle and I gave him a dirty look and he gave me one back. If I would have been quicker, I would have reminded Justin and Selena that they shouldn't have unprotected, pre-marital sex or else sweet, tiny, perky Selena could end up like me, all fat and sweaty.

This is how I feel nowadays.

Don't worry. This is a good sign.

On Shitheads

I've been thinking a lot about shitheads today. My cat was a total shithead last night. He really wanted to lay under the covers with me and kept tapping me with his claws until I woke up. He did this all night.

This morning I got on the trolley to go downtown for an appointment. The trolley was really crowded and there was nowhere to sit. There was barely anywhere to hang onto. I am nearly 9 months pregnant and look it, and no one offered their seat. This has happened before and has been irritating, but this time it made me really sad. My balance is all out of whack and my stomach grazed the back of everyone who tried to pass me. These are my neighbors for crying out loud! I guess some of them are shitheads.

I've been mildly obsessed with the Iran-Contra affair lately. I watched a documentary about the late political strategist Lee Atwater (the most fascinating shithead ever), which led to a documentary about Oliver North (I had a bookmark with him on it in Jr. High) and voila! I have a new, useless distraction! Anyway, both movies showed grown people in positions of great power being total shitheads. And today's headlines seem to be only about shitheads and the shitty things they keep shitting on.

I mostly am just talking about this to hear my head rattle and I really have no point or lesson-learned; but if I did, it would be that I realize that I can be a total shithead. I was talking to Micah last week and made a really mean judgement about someone that I hardly know. I do that all the time. I do millions of shitty things all of the time.

On my way back home, I got back on the trolley, and when I said hello to the driver, she smiled really big and said hello back. There were lots of seats and I read my magazine. When I got home I realized that it was a pretty nice day out. My neighbor and friend left 2 presents wrapped in glittery tissue for me and Micah at my door. My computer was sparkling clean--Micah must have cleaned it early this morning while I was still sleeping. My cat barfed on the floor while I was out, which probably means he was stressed out, which is probably why he was bugging me all night.

I still think Oliver North is a total shithead, but most everyone else is just trying to do their best to remember to not be a total jerk. Some are just doing a better job than others. I should be trying harder, too.

My Visit to Cities I Don't Really Like, But With People That I Do

That's not a very nice title. But alas, Phoenix and Denver are cities I don't quite get and don't really care to. As an exercise in trying hard not be be a total jerk, I will list things I do like about each dumb city:

                                     PHOENIX:

1. Good Mexican food

2. Amazing ladies' hair-dos

3. Really bad "cool dad" tattoos

4. In-N-Out

5. Nice bird sounds

DENVER:
1. The pretty mountains
2. The Tattered Cover bookstore
3. Good beer
4. It's pretty clean
5. The airport has a really great satanic-looking horse sculpture

In Phoenix, I stayed with my sister who is also pregnito and due 6 days after me. When we went to collect my luggage at the airport after my 16 hour journey (I don't want to talk about it anymore. It was horrible.) the luggage lady cried when she noticed we were both pregnant and I told her my sister didn't announce she was expecting until 2 months after I did because she didn't want to "steal my thunder." Then she gave me my suitcase.

The next day, we met up with my mom who took me to a baby super-store: 

I was horrified with the name of the store! Really? Oh well. My parents bought us a really nice stroller there. That was very, very nice of them. The young dude in the stroller department was very smug about his stroller knowledge. He aggressively demonstrated how each stroller collapses and folds back up. He was about 20 years old.

My visit with my parents ended with an elaborate sandwich spread at their house, followed by more gifts and a weird impromptu game where my mom held up a cardboard target and we took turns shooting at her with a toy gun that shot foam bullets. It's important to remember where you come from, I guess.

Then, my sister, brother-in-law, my 3 year old nephew and I headed to Denver to see our other sister and her family. The car trip was 14 hours long and my nephew yelled at me every time I tried to sleep. I finally figured out that if I wore sunglasses and kept an open magazine on my lap, he assumed I was reading and left me alone. Kids are dumb.

Micah met up with us the next morning and we all had fun being together. I had a great time telling my sister that she has a giant ass (she doesn't), making fun of my brother-in-law for making the same jokes he has since I was 15 ("Hey Em--I got some tri-tip just for you!"... I'm a vegetarian) and making fun of my other sister's every move. I know they all love my jokes!

Almost the entire trip, my sister and I wore matching outfits:

I can't believe Christine didn't break that planter with her enormous ass!

Our last day of our trip, Micah's family joined mine and we had a "Baby-Q." It was a hoot. We ate great food and enjoyed ice cubes that had plastic babies frozen inside! Then we came home to the terrible heat wave and discovered that Micah forgot to flush his pee down the toilet and it sat, permeating the bathroom, which by then smelled like a bus station restroom situated in the center of the amazon rainforest. But, the plants in there looked great!

So, even though I feel that Phoenix is hot and scary and Denver is impotent, the people I know there are great and not impotent!

Mee Thyme! Welcome!

I have at least 25 pictures like this.

I've started a new blog, mainly to document time and share stuff with friends and family. And, I, also would like to experiment with my liberal use of commas and semicolons; I wonder how long it will take for certain people in my life to call me out on my gross misuse of punctuation?! This could very well turn into a mommy blog as I am fat with child until September.

I just started this blog and so far no one has asked me any questions so that I can add a Frequently Asked Questions section. That's my favorite part of the blogs I read. I like to try and find out what the author's religion is, or if they're gay or not. Here are some questions I anticipate:

Q: Are you gay? Also, what is your religion?
A: I'm not gay, but I hear that female sexuality is very fluid. I typically bring this up in otherwise polite conversations, usually to irritate someone. I am an Episcopalian, mostly for the really good and frequent potlucks.

I guess those are the only questions I can think of right now. Are personal blogs masturbatory? I'm counting on it! Thanks for reading!