Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Update on my sister's attempt to induce labor by giving herself diarrhea:

I need to first point out that she asked me to not blog about her. I told her that I was going to anyway, so don't worry, it's all on the level.

Anyway, my sister wants to have her baby immediately and decided that she would try giving herself diarrhea. Her logic is that her irritated GI tract would communicate with her uterus and labor would begin. Here's how I imagine that conversation would play out:

GI TRACT: Hey! Hey you!

UTERUS: I'm busy, go away.

GI TRACT: I've got something to say!

UTERUS: Yikes, you smell bad.

GI TRACT: Oh, yeah? Yeah? What are you gonna do about it?

UTERUS: Um, nothing really. I just have a lot going on right now and am a little indifferent towards you. You should get that checked out though.

GI TRACT: Thanks for nothing!!!


So, basically, my sister put cream in her coffee and had to get up with hot shits in the middle of the night. I think we can all agree on one thing: MY SISTER IS AN IDIOT!!!!!!!!!

Monday, August 29, 2011

Allllmosssttt duunnnnn

I am finally feeling done with this business. Smug Emily is a goner. I can't breeeeeatheeee! My sister says she's going to eat nothing but dairy from now on to induce diarrhea, and, in turn, labor. She literally wants to poop her baby out.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

I got a pedicure the other day and the lady asked if I would like her to wax my feet. Waaaaaaaaaah! My people, they are a very hairy people. I can't see my feet very well! I asked Micah to look at my feet that morning and he said they were fine. He must love me more than I assumed he did.

Friday, August 19, 2011

Celebrity Sighting!

I was walking around downtown today looking at clothes that won't fit me. I was crossing the street and a couple holding hands was walking the opposite way, passing me. I could feel them staring at my body. Walking around the city, it seems people can't help but stare at my stomach. Kind of like if you see a midget or a tranny who needs to try harder to pull off their look--you can't help but take it in for a second. Get pregnant sometime and you will see what I mean. Anyway, I am past the cute stage of pregnancy, and am on to the gross one where my stomach sticks straight out and I walk like an idiot.

Back to crossing the street: I tried to meet the gaze of the couple looking at my body so that I could confront them with my eyes, and when I did I realized that is was JUSTIN BIEBER AND SELENA GOMEZ! I gasped and they smiled at me. I think they liked being recognized. They are very tiny people. Selena Gomez walked with THE most irritating spring in her step.

My sister said I should have asked to take a picture with them. I was too confused! The only other celeb I've seen in Philly was Danny Bonaduce. He was on a motorcycle and I gave him a dirty look and he gave me one back. If I would have been quicker, I would have reminded Justin and Selena that they shouldn't have unprotected, pre-marital sex or else sweet, tiny, perky Selena could end up like me, all fat and sweaty.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

On Shitheads

I've been thinking a lot about shitheads today. My cat was a total shithead last night. He really wanted to lay under the covers with me and kept tapping me with his claws until I woke up. He did this all night.

This morning I got on the trolley to go downtown for an appointment. The trolley was really crowded and there was nowhere to sit. There was barely anywhere to hang onto. I am nearly 9 months pregnant and look it, and no one offered their seat. This has happened before and has been irritating, but this time it made me really sad. My balance is all out of whack and my stomach grazed the back of everyone who tried to pass me. These are my neighbors for crying out loud! I guess some of them are shitheads.

I've been mildly obsessed with the Iran-Contra affair lately. I watched a documentary about the late political strategist Lee Atwater (the most fascinating shithead ever), which led to a documentary about Oliver North (I had a bookmark with him on it in Jr. High) and voila! I have a new, useless distraction! Anyway, both movies showed grown people in positions of great power being total shitheads. And today's headlines seem to be only about shitheads and the shitty things they keep shitting on.

I mostly am just talking about this to hear my head rattle and I really have no point or lesson-learned; but if I did, it would be that I realize that I can be a total shithead. I was talking to Micah last week and made a really mean judgement about someone that I hardly know. I do that all the time. I do millions of shitty things all of the time.

On my way back home, I got back on the trolley, and when I said hello to the driver, she smiled really big and said hello back. There were lots of seats and I read my magazine. When I got home I realized that it was a pretty nice day out. My neighbor and friend left 2 presents wrapped in glittery tissue for me and Micah at my door. My computer was sparkling clean--Micah must have cleaned it early this morning while I was still sleeping. My cat barfed on the floor while I was out, which probably means he was stressed out, which is probably why he was bugging me all night.

I still think Oliver North is a total shithead, but most everyone else is just trying to do their best to remember to not be a total jerk. Some are just doing a better job than others. I should be trying harder, too.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

My Visit to Cities I Don't Really Like, But With People That I Do

That's not a very nice title. But alas, Phoenix and Denver are cities I don't quite get and don't really care to. As an exercise in trying hard not be be a total jerk, I will list things I do like about each dumb city:

1. Good Mexican food
2. Amazing ladies' hair-dos
3. Really bad "cool dad" tattoos
4. In-N-Out
5. Nice bird sounds

1. The pretty mountains
2. The Tattered Cover bookstore
3. Good beer
4. It's pretty clean
5. The airport has a really great satanic-looking horse sculpture

In Phoenix, I stayed with my sister who is also pregnito and due 6 days after me. When we went to collect my luggage at the airport after my 16 hour journey (I don't want to talk about it anymore. It was horrible.) the luggage lady cried when she noticed we were both pregnant and I told her my sister didn't announce she was expecting until 2 months after I did because she didn't want to "steal my thunder." Then she gave me my suitcase.

The next day, we met up with my mom who took me to a baby super-store: 

I was horrified with the name of the store! Really? Oh well. My parents bought us a really nice stroller there. That was very, very nice of them. The young dude in the stroller department was very smug about his stroller knowledge. He aggressively demonstrated how each stroller collapses and folds back up. He was about 20 years old.

My visit with my parents ended with an elaborate sandwich spread at their house, followed by more gifts and a weird impromptu game where my mom held up a cardboard target and we took turns shooting at her with a toy gun that shot foam bullets. It's important to remember where you come from, I guess.

Then, my sister, brother-in-law, my 3 year old nephew and I headed to Denver to see our other sister and her family. The car trip was 14 hours long and my nephew yelled at me every time I tried to sleep. I finally figured out that if I wore sunglasses and kept an open magazine on my lap, he assumed I was reading and left me alone. Kids are dumb.

Micah met up with us the next morning and we all had fun being together. I had a great time telling my sister that she has a giant ass (she doesn't), making fun of my brother-in-law for making the same jokes he has since I was 15 ("Hey Em--I got some tri-tip just for you!"... I'm a vegetarian) and making fun of my other sister's every move. I know they all love my jokes!

Almost the entire trip, my sister and I wore matching outfits:
I can't believe Christine didn't break that planter with her enormous ass!

Our last day of our trip, Micah's family joined mine and we had a "Baby-Q." It was a hoot. We ate great food and enjoyed ice cubes that had plastic babies frozen inside! Then we came home to the terrible heat wave and discovered that Micah forgot to flush his pee down the toilet and it sat, permeating the bathroom, which by then smelled like a bus station restroom situated in the center of the amazon rainforest. But, the plants in there looked great!

So, even though I feel that Phoenix is hot and scary and Denver is impotent, the people I know there are great and not impotent!